Total Eggclipse of the Heart: Swiss Chard and Jalapeno Scramble

Oh yes I did make that pun.

Note: This is a Montana Kaimin column that ran Sept. 22, 2010. We’re doing it retro-style this week while Kate goofs off. Is it just me, or is Bonnie Tyler ever so slightly cross eyed in that photo?

So college is, if nothing else, a weird time for relationships. I do know a few students that have happy long-term relationships/marriages. Good for you, smug bastards. I’m talking to everybody else.

Anyway, are you miserable because The One just pulled your heart out of your chest and used it to fix a flat? Is your first impulse to buy a bottle of whiskey? Don’t turn to booze, my dear. (Whoa. This is the first time in my life I have ever said this.) Alcohol is a depressant, so after a couple beers, you’ll just feel like crying to Jeff Buckley and stalking your ex’s Facebook. Or you’ll get really hammered and fool around with his friends. (I’ve, uh, heard that some people do this.) So really, you need something that will perk you up, legally and without a hangover. What you need is spicy food!

If you don’t feel like cooking, I highly recommend getting a bowl of pho at the Vietnamese restaurant downtown.  It’s a magic I cannot replicate in my kitchen. Eat the jalapenos that come with it, and you’ll be too busy wiping your nose to be crying about your ex!

My personal rule is to never cry over somebody who wasn’t good in bed. You can always find somebody who likes the same 80s hardcore punk bands as you, but finding someone who will [redacted] with his [redacted] all night long? Damn. I’m getting weepy now. Anyway, buying vegetables at the Saturday farmers markets is also highly therapeutic. Fix yourself some veggie scramble, and pour on the sriracha! You’ll feel better in no time.

Here I Go Again on My Own (Veggie Scramble)

2 or 3 eggs

1 small yellow onion

2 or 3 jalapenos, maybe some green peppers

Head of Swiss chard

Whatever else you happen to grab at the market

Soy sauce, random spices, vinegar

First, plan what you want your veggies to go with. I trust that you can make rice without instructions. Next, turn on some fist-pumping Whitesnake tunes.

Whitesnake: the perfect cooking music. Somebody should feed those guys.

Dice up all your vegetables except the onions (I’m super sensitive to them, so I chop ‘em very last to minimize the amount of time I’m suffering). De-leaf your Swiss chard, set the greens aside, and cut up the stalks like you would celery. (Swiss chard are the big leafy greens with pretty orange and yellow stalks. After cooking, the stalks are surprisingly sweet and mild.) Once everything is diced, chuck it into a frying pan with a healthy glob of oil; and let it all cook. I shake in lots of random spices, including basil and crushed red pepper. Once veggies are softened to your preference, tear up the Swiss chard greens and toss them all in. Add a glug of rice vinegar and stir it all around­­ — chard cooks within a couple minutes. Crack in two or three eggs, let ‘em set up, and scramble it all around.

Put the whole yummy mess on your tortilla/rice/whathaveyou and add soy sauce and hot sauce. See? For half an hour, you totally forgot about that dirtbag.

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