A Foodie’s Favorite Junk Candy

Today, we won’t be talking about the wholesome, scratch cooking that I strongly advocate for. No. Today we will be talking about crap. The crap I buy when I’m wandering around Wal-Mart while waiting for the Lube Center (heh, lube center) guys to change my oil.

I get bored! It’s so cheap! This is my standard excuse for violating any personal code of ethics.

I don’t like to talk about junk food much on here. Where other countries have cuisines and cherished artisanal traditions, America’s cultural food touchstones are junk food and cheap, ground meat. I don’t really want to perpetuate this.

And yet…I grew up as Kraft Macaroni ‘Murrica as anybody. These days, I have three basic junk sweets, depending on the time of year, what’s on sale and how little dignity I have. They are the best and no others compare. I get to say so because this is a blog on the internet, and I don’t gotta cite no sources or back up my facts or nothin’. I’M RIGHT. God, I love the internet.

So I bought a package of Oreos today. Oreos aren’t even very good. They’re like dried-up wafers held together by a ‘cream’ filling that contains no actual dairy products. Wait, that’s because they ARE dried-up wafers held together by ‘cream’ filling containing virtually no dairy. But they are sweet, delicious when dunked, come in different flavors sometimes like peanut butter creme!! and fun to eat very methodically. This describes pretty much all iconic American junk food.

I was told Oreos are vegan a long time ago by a practicing vegan who seemed pretty sincere about it, so imagine my shock upon some Googling to learn they are not because they contain the faintest trace of something that was once inside a cow called “whey powder.” Seriously, vegans, I can’t get with your thing. I can eat mostly vegetarian because if you don’t put a dead animal in the dish and use vegetable stock, ta-da, it’s vegetarian. But dairy products are just an inextricable part of my life. Half the time I intend to cook something vegan I fry my tofu in butter. Oops.

But if Oreos don’t draw me, it’s the M&Ms. Specifically, pretzel M&Ms. They are round and sweet on the outside and salty and crunchy on the inside, much like myself, and are magnificent stress food. You can eat a million of them. You can sort them by colors or make little pictures of flowers and grass with them, and then eat them. Marvelous. I’m more ‘meh’ about regular M&Ms, because there’s so little to bite down on compared to the peanut ones.

Kate prefers the ones with large, salty nuts. Just thought the internet should know that.

And next, Cadbury caramel eggs, only around Eastertime, of course. Nothing like biting through a waxy, slightly sour milk chocolate shell into a sticky, overpoweringly sweet caramel and getting it all over your face! I love these but cannot eat more than one at a time. Dad always bought them for us kids on grocery trips before Easter. So now that I’m far away from home I buy them for myself and miss my dad. Just like a sappy fucking commercial. A marketing executive is having a wet dream right now and doesn’t know why.

And what to wash down your crap with? I also like a cheap Riesling or Moscato. Try it. It tastes like dignity.


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